The Rune of Joakim

The Flame Of Anor that dwells in all of us

The Rune of Joakim. This represents the inner fire, the The Flame Of Anor that resides inside all of us.

Why do we have this concept of "inner child," and what does it even mean? Well, as I understand it, it is a child living inside us. And I think the importance is not the label "inner child" itself, but how we all relate to it. Or the story we put on top of it. My inner child is called Joakim. I feel it is easier to put a name on him, because then it is easier to talk to him. For the last days, I have come to understand more of the stories I am telling myself, which I believe is very much dragging me down. Let me explain.

The Story of Brokenness

For a long time, I thought Joakim was damaged, broken, traumatized, or in need of repair. That he was something I needed to fix, or that he was something I needed to hold and take care of. I have been working on becoming better at holding myself and being there for myself. Up until now, I have believed that holding myself meant to hold Joakim's hand and fix him. I feel that I have been living inside a story of brokenness and repair for a very long time.

This "story" is a tale that tells of something that is broken, and I am the one that is going to fix it. The story portrays me as "The Fixer" or "Savior" and Joakim as the "thing to fix." Believing in this story is to put Joakim as the broken part that I am fixing, holding, or creating more capacity to be with. The thought is that Joakim is a scared child that needs me. I might have been creating and living in a dependent relationship with my own inner child for a very long time.

I also recognize that it can feel good to be needed, but neediness is neediness anyway. Just a rotten cake dressed up looking fancy. Do parents want their child to be broken and damaged so they can get the satisfaction to save or heal the them? Any parent would of course not want this. Simply because it is fucking twisted. A healthy parent would want their child to be free to express themselves. Stopping looking at the child as something broken, I feel, is a good start to move towards a healthy and wholesome relationship.

Here is the question that arrived at my doorstep: What if I am not supposed to hold Joakim's hand, but that he is supposed to hold mine? What if everything I thought was wrong about the Story of Brokenness? What if I believed an illusion? By thinking and saying that Joakim or I as a child was damaged, then I am also saying that I need to be fixed.

The Flame of Anor

When Gandalf in Lord of the Rings battles the Balrog on the Bridge of Khazad-dûm, he declares: "I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. You cannot pass! The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udûn." I believe that we all can become servants of the Secret Fire and wield our own Flame of Anor. I envision this flame as a golden sword that has just been pulled out of a pit of lava. Quite epic holding a golden sword with lava flowing out from its metal pores.

Let us say, for argument's sake, that Joakim was never broken or damaged in any way. The only thing that happened is that I believed a story to be true. But underneath everything, Joakim was silently waiting as my own Flame of Anor.

Here is an example that feels true for me. By posting and sharing my voice, I feel a distinct warm and happy feeling in my stomach. Yes, I recognize the fear and resistance, and I believe that this is the Balrog or Flame of Udûn. Without the Balrog (or the non-Anor, or opposite of the Flame of Anor), Gandalf would not be able to experience himself as the "wielder of the flame of Anor." The same, I believe, is true for us. The inner resistance and fear functions as a mechanism for us to experience overcoming it. And doing that is one of the best feelings in the world: letting go of old stories and experiencing and inviting in new ones. So, when I allow my voice to be expressed, then I feel Joakim proudly saying: "YES! Now you let yourself open up and allow me to fly and shine."

The shift of perspective

Yes, things happened in the past and it has been hurting us. And even created a belief that says "I was hurt" or "my inner child was traumatized." This can all be valid, and I am not trying to say otherwise. We all must find our own way of navigating all of this. What I am saying is that, from my perspective, this I now see are stories and beliefs that is not helping me anymore. And they might also be completely wrong. Again, by saying something is broken, then it needs to be repaired. If Joakim was never broken, how does that change the story?

Maybe I was the child all along, and Joakim was the guiding lantern that is here to hold my hand. And "holding my hand" looks like me "getting out of the way" or allowing Joakim to come forth. Allowing Joakim to steer the ship or set the course. It feels like asking Joakim, "What do you want to do and be today?" and then doing what I feel pulled towards doing.

My own experience with my own body tells me that it has different levels of capacity to hold experiences and input. When I do not set boundaries for myself, related to the amount of things I do and people I connect to, then I can feel an overwhelming sensation building up in the stomach and chest. It is like a pressure and feeling that too much is happening. When this happens, The Story of Brokenness would say that "this is the broken Joakim which needs space and to be held. He is scared and overwhelmed and needs me to calm down." This story continuously puts Joakim as the thing to fix, and I as the one holding him.

Let us now put the story on the shelf for some moments. It can also just as simply be the body or nervous system communicating that some capacity has been met, and it needs me to honor its boundaries. And now we bring in the new story and perspective. I call this The Story of Wholeness. Recognizing that what I am doing is just replacing one story with another. But maybe the new one can bring with it a fresh perspective and lighter living.

The Story of Wholeness

This story puts Joakim as the guiding lantern and inner child that has huge belly laughs and has abundant capacity. It creates a partnership and relationship not based in neediness or dependency, but allowance to be exactly what we are, moment to moment. A friendship based on support, care, and understanding. This story tells about the inner child that never got broken, but silently waited for me to allow him to naturally come forth. It recognizes that it is itself a story based on an idea or something to live after, and that the aim is not to become perfect or achieve something, but to create inspiration and see that what I am right now is already perfect. Wholeness is not about getting something to create wholeness with. It is recognizing that I am already whole, with all the seemingly imperfections I now have. It puts Joakim as the Flame of Anor. A secure and warm flame residing underneath my stomach. Never pushing or demanding space, but waiting for me to allow him to come forth.

How bright am I allowing Joakim to shine? How much am I blocking or letting fear be in the way of Joakim naturally shining and expressing himself?

A Welcome Message To Joakim

Dear beautiful Joakim. You are the bravest and most daring person I have ever known. You have held me through my whole life and been with me the whole way. Never left me and never not been here. You have always resided inside my stomach, shining a warm sensation. I have forgotten you, but now I remember. I lost myself in stories of brokenness and believing you needed fixing. But you never needed fixing, because you never got broken in the first place. I needed to remember that what is in the way is a story I believed to be true. In truth, we are holding each other's hands. I am not here to heal you or hold your hands. I am here to accept you and allow you to come forth and howl your mighty roar.

You are my Flame of Anor. I lift you up from the billowing lava pit, hot lava dripping off you, sizzling and steaming as it strikes the ground, melting my old stories and beliefs away. Do you want to come forth and play and wrestle with the mighty Balrog with me? How bright can we two together dare to shine?